Jalopnik threw a grenade into its comment section over the weekend, asking readers to rewrite automaker slogans with a dose of truth. The results landed somewhere between a roast and an intervention.
The best shots weren’t random. They tracked neatly with every reputation the industry has earned and can’t shake.
Ford caught the most crossfire. Four separate readers piled on with variations of the same joke: recalls. “Ready. Set. Recall.” “We love our cars so much we call them back everyday.” One commenter simply wrote “Ford: (slogan recalled).” When four strangers independently land on the same punchline, it’s not comedy. It’s market research.
Nissan’s entries were brutal in a different way, zeroing in on the automaker’s well-documented subprime lending strategy. “We accept combined credit scores” and “When you really can’t afford a new car” hit hard because they’re barely exaggerations. One reader even tagged the Altima specifically with a GPS-for-bail-bondsmen crack, which says everything about how that sedan’s reputation has calcified in the public mind.
Stellantis, the parent company that somehow keeps finding new ways to disappoint, got the cleanest kill shot: “We’ve tried nothing, and we’re still out of ideas.” That’s a Simpsons reference repurposed as corporate obituary. It fits like a glove on a company that has hemorrhaged market share, slashed its workforce, and watched its CEO walk the plank in the span of eighteen months.
Dodge, still Stellantis underneath, drew the expected muscle-car-bro stereotype. “Forget the alimony payment. You need a Hemi.” It’s a cheap laugh, but the reason it works is that Dodge spent years cultivating exactly that buyer with 700-horsepower Hellcats sold to anyone with a pulse and a signature.
Toyota’s entry was the most interesting because the commenters fought among themselves. One reader offered “over priced and under equipped, but reliable.” Another immediately corrected it: “they were reliable 10 years ago.” A third tried to split the difference. That internal debate mirrors the real conversation happening among automotive journalists right now, as Toyota’s vaunted quality halo has taken hits from turbocharged engine issues, Tundra problems, and an increasingly stale tech stack across the lineup.
Mazda got the most affectionate jab: “When you want to show you know cars better than your neighbor, but can’t afford a Porsche.” Multiple commenters endorsed it. That’s the Mazda paradox in a sentence — genuinely good driving dynamics wrapped in a brand that most Americans still associate with rental fleets and “Zoom Zoom” commercials from 2003.
Mitsubishi’s slogan wrote itself: “We’re still here! And we’re just as surprised as you are!” The company sold roughly 88,000 vehicles in the U.S. last year. Some Costco locations move more inventory.
Even Jaguar caught a stray. “We do hope you enjoy your loaner.” Short, devastating, and rooted in the lived experience of anyone who has ever owned one.
The newcomer Slate, an EV truck startup most people haven’t heard of yet, got an appropriately cutting entry: “This is a truck for things. Check out slate.auto for accessory words to customize your slogan.” When your brand is so new that the roast is about your marketing rather than your product, you haven’t earned real contempt yet. Give it time.
What makes these reader-generated slogans sting is their precision. Nobody accused BMW of reliability problems or mocked Kia for being dangerous. Each brand got tagged with its own specific failure. The internet remembers everything, and car buyers apparently remember more than automakers would like. These companies spent billions crafting brand images. Their customers just rewrote them for free.
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